My Story (Long Version) | Caringforelders

My Story - the long version

I am fortunate enough to have both parents still alive and together. However, that presented its own issues as you will see later on.

I am in my fifties, and I was born when my mother was thirty, so you can do the math. My siblings and I been concerned about their declining health, and almost more importantly, their declining standard of living for quite some time. Unfortunately, as with many of their generation, the idea of a senior living facility was akin in their minds to “being put in a nursing home”. They grew up with horrific ideas of nursing homes and convalescent hospitals as places people are warehoused to die, and there are some places like that…don't get me wrong. BUT there are also some wonderful places out there where the level of care is tiered, and seniors can live independently with or without assistance.

So, we had a battle on our hands. One from which one of my siblings became a casualty. This sibling had all the data, all the facts, and figures, everything that was needed, but their timing was wrong. This has led to a break with that family member that only time will heal. Don't get me wrong here, I believe that family member was completely justified in taking a break. There were things happening in their life that needed full attention and frankly, it was a bit much to add in the parental issues. There is still love there, it is just at a needed distance for them right now. What turned the trick finally, was that my parents had a friend staying in a Sr. facility and another sibling arranged a visit. Then a tour, then a meeting with the director, then finally, signing the lease.

Keep in mind that by this time, my father had severe mobility issues (wheelchair, scooter, not even a walker), and my mother had what seemed to be early onset dementia. Her long-term memory was stellar, but her short-term memory was nonexistent. When you go shopping with your mom and she tells you to make sure she can see you at all times because she forgets where she is and why she is there…it gets nerve-wracking. Not to mention that she had never been what you would call a physically strong woman in the first place. So, you have an (overly) large man who cannot move without assistance, and a small frail woman who cannot remember she left the coffee cup in the bathroom. Therefore, all actual activity mentioned from here on out is done by the kids.

We were thrilled…and a little nervous. Nervous because my parents moved the timing up on their move and we had one month to cull down 50+ years of marriage, a three-bedroom house, a packed garage, and a storage shed (for the overflow) into a one bedroom apartment.

Just in case you are wondering, this is not actually possible. Especially if your parents are collectors of any sort or have “stuff” heavy hobbies.

We finally ended up renting them a storage facility for about half of their belongings, moved a quarter into the new place, and trashed the rest.

There was still a LOT to be done, including unpacking all the boxes at the new place, and out of four siblings, only two of us were “in the area” and able to do the day to day work that needed to be done. One was out of state, and one was, well, not speaking to us.

One week after they moved in, the bottom fell out of our world. Dad fell down. This was not the first time that he had done so, but this was the first time that when they came to pick him up, the paramedics could not get a coherent sentence from him. He was taken to the hospital and admitted for observation. While there, they concluded that he had had at least one stroke, and more, probably several. One week into the hospitalization we received that terrifying 3:00 in the morning call. “Come to the hospital, your father is coding and we are trying to bring him back…and having trouble doing so.”

Of course, we all rushed down. They were able to bring him back after six tries, and we gratefully went home. The next month he was kept in the hospital to heal from the strokes, the heart attacks, the cracked ribs that resulted from CPR, and the double pneumonia that he contracted as a result of being intubated for 2 weeks.

That was heart-wrenching. One of the results of the stroke was a complete personality change. My father was, as I stated, a large man, one who resembled Santa Claus in looks and in temperament. He lived (lives) a life of service to others, and makes friends, genuine friends everywhere he goes. The man in that hospital bed was as if someone else was wearing my fathers’ skin. He was verbally abusive and would try to strike out at the nursing staff. They had to keep him in restraints the entire time he was in there. The biggest challenge we had as a family was trying to convince the staff at the hospital that this was abnormal behavior for him, that he was not a nasty, mean old man. There was also another side effect of the strokes. He would agree with everything that was told to him. (grumpily as noted previously, but he would agree.) The problem was that he had no understanding about what he was agreeing to. In my research about strokes, I found this is not an uncommon problem. People who get confused and don’t know what is going on, especially if they are suddenly in a different place (hospital, nursing home, the like) will become very agreeable…in the sense that they agree with things. A lot.

One of the ways this hurt us, was that the hospital kept telling him things that he didn’t internalize and thinking they had communicated it correctly. Such as telling him they were moving him to a nursing home.

One of my siblings had taken my mom home (as she cannot be left alone – by her preference) and dropped her off at the hospital for a visit with my father while they ran a couple of errands. An hour later, the sibling received a call from my mother that she and my father were at a nursing home. The hospital had essentially moved them without notifying any of us that this was going to happen. They were covered legally in that they had my fathers’ signature on his discharge papers. My father, who at that time didn’t know what was going on. And they said they had told my mother everything…which, of course, had no meaning due to her memory issues.

The nursing home stay was covered for up to 21 days with his insurance, but he was covered completely in a Veterans home if we could get him into one, something the hospital knew we were trying to do. We found out, much to our dismay, that transferring from a nursing home to a VA home was all but impossible.

And still, the stranger wore our fathers’ skin.

Then, we got lucky. He started to come back. He received physical therapy and occupational therapy and started to come back. The staff at the nursing home was completely surprised by the sudden change in his personality, and we were thrilled. Dad was back. He is actually in better shape then he was before all this happened due to the therapy.

While all of this was going on with dad, we still had a “mom problem”. Not that she was a problem, but she would not stay by herself. One of my siblings, along with their spouse, took mom in for a bit…but she was sleeping on the couch. The out of state sibling agreed to take her for a “trial run” (in case Dad didn’t come back and we needed to find a place for her to live) for two weeks.

Now let’s talk finances.

I mentioned my father lived a life of service to others. That, sadly, does not come with a hefty paycheck. In fact, there are times it doesn’t come with a paycheck at all. Oddly enough, all of us kids had, in the past year, had catastrophic financial issues, and none of us had anything other than time to assist my parents with.

My parents had made the choice long ago to have my mother not work outside the home. This means that their 401K was in people, not in any actual monetary sense. Which doesn’t work when you suddenly have a lot of bills to pay.

Additionally, my father had planned to continue working (yes, he was still working – teaching online and the like) in order to afford the new place.

Their new place, while not a top of the line facility, was pretty high on quality…and price point. Additionally, dad would now need extra care, which was not covered by the monthly fees, and with mom not living there, it had become a very expensive storage facility.

We sat down, with a trusted family friend – one whose authority in these matters my father would officially recognize – and we ran the numbers. They did not come up in our favor. We had to make a choice, I had to make a choice. I choose to move them out of the new place, and into a more affordable option.

Now all I had to do was:

Find a way to let dad know.
Find a new place
Figure out how to pay the old place (they had a 90-day cancellation clause in the lease)
Figure out how to pay the nursing home past the 21 days
Figure out what to do with mom when she came back into the state
Figure out how to move all their belongings out of the old place and into the new place
Figure out how to pay for the new place
And of course…figure out what the heck all this meant medically for my parents future

No pressure, right?

Fortunately, we had convinced my father a few years ago to fill out a health directive, otherwise, I would not have been able to act as an agent for my parents.

So, we had a plan. The trusted family friend agreed to talk to dad for us because frankly, I was afraid to do so. I didn’t know this dad. However, as mentioned before, we got lucky, he came back to us. That dad I was able to talk to and to explain the whole situation. He didn’t like it, but he understood.

Then finding a new place. I cannot say enough about how wonderful the various services are out there. A Place for Mom, Caring.com, and many many more. I called them, gave them my details and they were able to search through their databases and come up with several options. They even booked the initial tours for me. I found a great place. A place that worked with us on the money. A place that, while not being “top tier”, still had many amenities. A place that my parents could afford. (I am happy to tell you what that place is if you leave a question in the comment section, but I am avoiding names in this narrative.)

The old place offered to let us out of the contract with little more than a weeks’ notice. (I can recommend them too!)

We set up a “Go Fund Me” for dad, and it covered the extra time he was in the nursing home. (That old “people are my 401K” bit)

Due to some unexpected complications with my out of state sibling, my mom stayed out of state until about a week before the new place was ready, then she lived with me for that week…and I took it off of work.

We received assistance from a service organization to both move my parents’ things into storage, and then into the new place. (There was a three-week gap.)

Working with a private organization, we applied for the “Aid and Assistance” benefit for Veterans. That is in progress and with that assistance, my parents will be able to pay for the new place.

I want to say something about this...the sibling from out of state took it upon themselves to work on the paperwork and did a truly heroic job fielding all the things needed to process everything in a relatively fast manner.

All of those solutions took blood, sweat, and tears…and time.

Now, my parents are in the new place, they have three meals a day, access to a daily ice cream parlor (personal favorite of dads), an exercise room, weekly activities, free cable, Para transport, physical therapy for my dad, housekeeping once a week, laundry twice a month, and assisted bathing for my dad.

There is also the possibility of adding on more care as it is needed, up to and including 24-hour assistance from the staff.

It is like living on a cruise ship, but without the seasickness.

So that is the long version of my story. There are still a lot of things to do. I have to help them unpack and settle in. One sibling is taking my mom out weekly for store runs, and we still have a half full storage facility to sort through.

And it took all of us, working together and separately. If anyone of us had not done the things we needed to do, I have no idea what the outcome would have been. I am so grateful for my siblings and all they have and continue to contribute.

But for now, it is the best possible outcome. And I can almost breathe again.

As I said before, the purpose of this website is to help others who are going through any or all of this themselves. There is also professional help out there, and you should most definitely take advantage of the links page and contact your local assistance organizations.